Tonight is going to be a long night.
They live each day as if the past year never happened. As if they never happened. But theres a time in every day where they both stop and remember. They remember the past. The laughs. Smiles. Tears. The love. The friendship they shared. But they only have that one moment before the roaring laughter on her tv and the loud clinks of glass takes over their minds once again. They will never admit this memory they hold but it’s there. It’ll always be there. It’s never the emptiness that their love left but more the emptiness that thier friendship left which burns both souls sp deeply that it can never be filled. Forever remembering each other without ever speaking.
Im tired of cleaning up messes that I don’t even ask for. I’m tired of being lied to that everything is finally ok only to have it all crash down. I’m tired of picking up the pieces time and time again. I’m tired of hoping and willing for something good to happen again. I’m tired of living in fear and constant thought that I’m going to mess up again. I’m exhausted.
Why does this keep happening?
And it was weird because my family still brings you up. You were such a big part of my life that now without you in it even they feel the emptiness. And yes it is sad. And it’s my fault. And yes it does suck when they continuously ask about you and what happened between us. And yes i do avoid any eye contact when your name is brought up. They understand what happened between you and I and that feelings like that can completely obliterate a friendship like ours. And yes you are missed a lot. And yes sometimes I wish we could just be friends. And yes I do wish I never opened up that door to those feelings avoiding all this mess. And yes this will like everything else take its toll on me changing me somehow. But most importantly I am completely happy for you and wish you only the best.
Sometimes when I lie in complete darkness and just think about the past few years I realize that it all started with you. You are what started that domino effect. And it all makes me feel empty inside. As if I completely missed out on something great and I probably did but I will never know that. You told me you loved me. You said you always would and to remember you. It truly sucks how although my mind is quick to forget my heart does not allow it. So I do as your words say and I remember you. And I wonder how many times it is that you remember me. Do I even cross your mind? In any way. Do you miss being friends? Do you remember the late school nights we spent preparing for our future? Do you remember all that you said to me? Do you wish things would’ve turned out differently? And everyday I’ll simply watch your life go on through statuses on social networks, pictures put up, stories I over hear, gossip. But I will never hear about you from you. It’s just not possible. And that actually completely kills me. It’s honestly as if a hole has been punched in my chest. You said “remember me” my mind said “i cant do that” while my heart said “I always will”.
I regret what happened but then again it won’t be the first time I push someone away that meant the world to me.
You make me so happy it’s pretty ridiculous.
I build walls when you’re not around. You tear them down with the sweet feeling of your tender kiss.
